Take Conversations Up – Beyond Gossip

Conversations are central to our lives.  Some conversations are goal- or task-oriented and many are simply entertainment without clear purpose, similar to music in the best case, and noise in the worst.  

Social conversations can be positive, when focused on the people in the conversation, being real, honest, and present in the moment. These can be entertaining, informative, beneficial, positive and help sustain truly deep relationships.  They can also be poisoned by gossip. Some simple steps can quickly change your conversations to support the life you want.  

A common ineffective pattern is discussing issues, obstacles, opportunities, great ideas, and so on, with many people in your life, but with NO ONE who could actually help you resolve, clear, exploit, or develop the subject matter. This allows a conversation to be an escape valve for action.  These ineffective conversations should be directed to situations where they actually have a chance to benefit your life.

A very common manifestation of this pattern is negative gossip.  When we share complaints, negative or demeaning observations, adverse comments, twisted stories, and all manner of similar “stuff” about people not in the present conversation, it is usually gossip. There is often a pretense of secrecy, but gossip is readily repeated, and further embellished.  There are exceptions when the conversation might have a positive effect on the underlying issue, but these are rare.

In a separate module, we address getting to the right person, the right way, to get the results you want.  Here, we are focusing on gossip and petty conversation, which serves no useful purpose.  Everyday conversations and banter are a big part of life. In the mix of these conversations, we can shift our outlook and experience of life. 

Handling Gossip – “Just DON’T Do It”

The surface reward of gossip is gaining an immediate sense of community, sharing, and release.  The more accurate reward is a sense of superiority and authority at the expense of others.  These are all false benefits.  Gossip makes you small and ineffective. 

When participating in gossip, with friends, family, coworkers, or even staff at a local establishment, you are positioning yourself as petty and shallow. Everything has multiple viewpoints, details are constantly lost or embellished, and the root topics are rarely worth the time to discuss in the first place. The emotional rewards of engaging are fleeting and get in the way of real success and effectiveness in life.  The habit of gossip infects all of your conversations in various degrees.  In other words, highly effective and capable people, gossip very little, if at all.

When conversations turn to gossip, stay quiet and don’t acknowledge the gossip.  If it stays in the gossip realm, change the subject or leave the conversation. Gossip speaks volumes of how petty and stuck people are in life. As you break the habit, this becomes very clear.  Treat it like going on a “no rat meat” diet, simply avoid it altogether because it’s distasteful.

As you cut the gossip out, don’t make “not gossiping” the new gossip.  There is no need to discuss this practice with others, simply cut the behavior without explanation or fanfare. 

Try this approach for at least a few weeks, whether you are a master or novice conversationalist, gossip constantly or very little.  Little shifts make a big difference.  A large shift can transform your communications and life.  Be warned though, some people choose to be petty and their relationships may go no deeper than the gossip they are built on.  You will find it necessary, and very beneficial, to spend less time in the company of those people.

Think About…

1. Who do you gossip with in life?  What do you gossip about?
2. What do you feel after these conversations? What motivates you to participate?
3. Where would you get more meaning and value by replacing gossip with real communication?

Take Action…

1. Practice “no gossip.”  Simply ignore, change the subject, or leave the conversation physically.  Don’t acknowledge, engage, or judge others for gossiping.
2. For three weeks, make a daily note referencing conversations you exited or avoided due to gossip.
3. Don’t discuss your reduced gossip conversation diet with others, just cut it out and keep it as your little secret.